Rebuilding Me

I’m sitting here, absent-mindedly rubbing a, now empty, Wedding Ring Finger because the physical sensation of not having a ring on it is nearly overwhelming.

Yes, 2014 will be a year of dramatic changes. 11 years together, 8 years as Man and Wife. Somewhere along that journey I slowly stopped being the man she fell in love with and our ships drifted in different directions instead of travelling together. It happens, it fills me with the greatest regret of my life.

However, along with that regret is relief. My extraordinary wife showed the courage that I could not and stood up for what she wants in life. I had stopped giving her that and she had finally had enough. Oddly enough, I am extremely proud of her for this.

I also was at a point where I was no longer getting what I wanted, and needed in a relationship. I was existing but I wasn’t truly happy. I just didn’t have the courage to stand up for it so I am actually grateful I had such an amazing woman in my life.

She will ALWAYS be my best friend, my soul mate if such a thing really exists, she just won’t be my wife. It’s time to rebuild ourselves.

Rebuild back into the person we want to be, separately, so we can either be that person back together in the future, or be that person with whomever new becomes fortunate enough to deserve us.

If, during this new journey, we find that we again want to be with whomever we become, so be it. If not, the past journey has vastly more good memories than regrets and the future journey is filled with possibilities.

I lost myself.

Lost myself in a downward spiral of mild, sometimes severe, depression, lack of self respect and self confidence and I became something that I myself hated, so it was impossible for someone else to really love me when I didn’t love myself.

I refused to seek help to repair what I had became. I pushed everyone who would have gladly helped me away and refused to stand up and say that I had a problem and needed help.

That, was then.

I am now Rebuilding Me.

The over-used, cheesy cliché’ of a Phoenix comes to mind but it is still appropriate. NO ONE ever “hits bottom” but we do reach low points and I have hit the lowest point I have ever been in my life to date.

Frankly, I’m glad.

Reaching your lowest point in life gives you a much better view of your Foundation. You can clearly see all the cracks, all the missing pieces. Hitting the low point allows you to see what MUST be repaired in order to rebuild on a solid, stable, strong foundation.

I have been forced by my wife to finally see my foundation and I don’t like it. It’s cracked, it’s filled with holes, it’s barely holding together. But, it’s not yet beyond repair and I am now more motivated than I have ever been to fix the cracks, fill the holes.

I am rebuilding a foundation that the best, strongest, most extraordinary ME that has ever been will rise from. Forest fires are horrible, natural disasters that destroy everything in their path. However, once they burn themselves out, a stronger, healthier forest regrows.

I owe my, now former, wife and my best friend my life. Literally. And I am not going to throw that gift away. Not this time.

By god, or whatever higher power(s) there are, the world will see me rise from the ashes.

I am Rebuilding Me.